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My teen son got his girlfriend pregnant!


Friday, October 10th, 2008
Issue 41, Volume 12.
Lisa Vinton


Everyone talks about teen girls getting pregnant but rarely is the subject of teen boys having a baby the topic of discussion.

For some reason, it is either ignored or not a big deal. But it shouldn’t be ignored and it is a big deal! It’s a big deal for everyone involved.

As the parent of a soon-to-be teen father, where do you turn? How do you help your son? What are your responsibilities and those of your son?

There’s little doubt you are upset, disappointed and probably even sad. What is often considered a joyful event is nearly impossible to be celebrated under these circumstances.

The uncertainty of what will happen next is likely at the forefront of your mind. How this will affect you and your family is a scary thought.

The decision of whether or not the pregnant teen chooses to maintain the pregnancy, keep the baby or place it for adoption is, in most cases, entirely up to the teen mother.

She does not need permission from her parents or the teen father to have an abortion or to choose to parent.

However, the state of California does require that the father approve of an adoption because he will have to give up his rights.

As the parent of this young man, he needs you now more than ever.

Also, communication between both families is essential as the future of the pregnancy, baby and teens are being decided.

He may want something different with regards to the pregnancy than the teen mother or the parents. His friends are telling him one thing and his heart may be telling him another.

It is very important for you to set aside your own feelings and help him to talk it out and make better choices going forward.

Some of the major concerns I hear at the Southwest Pregnancy Counseling Center from parents are "Can my son be arrested?" "Will he have to pay child support even though he is in high school?" "Will I be personally responsible for supporting this baby?" "How can we be sure this is our son’s baby?" "How will he raise a child when he lives with us?"

Statutory rape is an issue Advertisement
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if one party is older than 18. However, very few cases are brought to the attention of the District Attorney unless the adult involved has a criminal record or a date rape has occurred.

You, as his parent, are not financially responsible for the pregnancy or baby. Until your son is 18 years old, he will not be legally responsible for paying child support.

Regardless of whether or not he wants his girlfriend to keep the baby, he should take financial responsibility as soon as he is able.

If he chooses to avoid it, he could risk future visitation or custody since he did not show a financial commitment for his child early on. Of course, it is also the right thing to do in supporting the child.

Until a child support order is in place, this support does not have to be just cash. It can be diapers and other baby items to help out.

Once the baby is born, it would be prudent to request a DNA test to ensure paternity. However, if both parents agree that the child is theirs, they can fill out court documents and file them accordingly without any testing.

For more information on this issue, contact or visit your local family law courthouse.

As soon as possible, work closely with the teen mom and her family to establish guidelines during the pregnancy (i.e. attending doctor’s appointments) and a reasonable visitation schedule that will enable your son to bond with his baby.

It is not likely that these teens will marry in the near future, if at all, so be sure to be sensitive to the fact that he is separated from his child.

Your son may suffer from mixed feelings about getting his girlfriend pregnant. Whatever the outcome of the pregnancy, be sure to let him share his own thoughts and feelings with you and put your judgment aside.

He needs your support and encouragement to respond in the right ways and in the ways that he will have to live with for a lifetime.

Lisa Vinton is founder of the Southwest Pregnancy Counseling Center. For more information on resources the center offers, call (951) 255-4461 or visit www.

sw-pcc.org.


 

25 comments

Comment Profile ImageDebra
Comment #1 | Sunday, Jan 18, 2009 at 6:02 pm
I just found out that my son whom just turned 18 years old got his 17 year old girlfriend pregnant. I am devasted even
though despite how often I spoke with my son about the dangers of having sex at an early age and especially about unprotected sex. I really thought I would not have to deal with this. It is just as devastating to me that this is my son as if it were my daughter. It is still my granchild. I am still trying to absorb this news but it is not easy.
Comment Profile ImageMike
Comment #2 | Saturday, Feb 7, 2009 at 8:40 am
I just found out that my 17 year old son got his ex-girlfriend of 16 year old pregnant who told him she's 4 months!!!....I'm single father of 2 sons. I've got mixed emotions right now and don't know how to go about with this situation. I don't think my son got her preganant. They were not going out during that period. What do I do???? wait til baby arrives and get DNA tested????
Comment Profile ImageMaggie
Comment #3 | Wednesday, Feb 18, 2009 at 5:22 pm
I just found out today that my 16 year old son got his 16 year old g/f pregnant. I am devastated, because it was their first time and he didn't protect himself after all we have talked about. We are in NJ and she is in AL. I am not certain it is her baby and DNA testing can be done, but she is not willing to do so..I am so scared for my son and his future.
Comment Profile Imagebecky
Comment #4 | Tuesday, Mar 3, 2009 at 8:40 am
I just found out my just turned 16 year old son got his girlfriend pregnant. Her father did not want her seeing my son and they figured this was the answer. I am going out of my mind. I am so depressed because i cant see him as a father it just sickens me to the thought. I love him terrably and I feel anger towards the girlfriend. I dont want to fell this way. What should I do?
Comment Profile Imagejanelle
Comment #5 | Saturday, Jun 13, 2009 at 8:55 am
My 15 year old son got his ex girlfriend that's 14 pregnant.then yesterday he told me he got his bestfriend pregnant that's15.I cant belive him i am 28
Comment Profile ImageDebbie
Comment #6 | Tuesday, Sep 15, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Just found out my son's GF is pregnant. Been dating about 5-6 months and he says they used protection so I guess the trojan's are only 99% effective. They are both seniors in HS. He is 17 but will be 18 by time baby arrives. She is already 18 and doesn't believe in abortion...is considering open adoption. I think I'm still in shock and don't know how to feel about all this just yet. Will be suportive and let things run the course....
Comment Profile ImageMichelle
Comment #7 | Friday, Oct 23, 2009 at 11:28 pm
I too have been dealing with a teen son who got his GF pregnant, he is 16 she is 17, I knew the the GF parents most of my life & the Mother of the teen girl lost her life to cancer, now my heart does go out to her & her huge loss, I feel she did this on purpose, she was his first GF, but he wasn't her first. He insits on living with her & her older brother w/ his GF and new baby, the house smells bad due to all the dogs, it is not clean! She is trying to shut me out of the picture, I have gave them so much to help them out with the things they will need for baby, it now seems like she won't even let me be in the room when she has this baby, if her mom was still alive she would not put up with the way she is treating me....ARRRGGG I just want to scream! what can I do??? Can I make him live at home? I also don't want this to be any uglier than it is, she's being very selfish, she doesn't want him to be close to us anymore. Help!
Comment Profile ImageBarbara
Comment #8 | Sunday, Dec 20, 2009 at 9:50 am
I have caught my 15yo son having sex with his girlfriend in the living room, he told me he has had sex with her at least 3 times a week after school.Now she is pregnant, and now I caught him having sex with another girl in the kitchen.I'm afraid she will get pregnat also, I don't know what to do with him? Last night he came downstairs and started masturbating in front of me through his underwear, I am shocked at his behaviour and really don't know what to do.
Comment Profile ImageDawn
Comment #9 | Saturday, May 15, 2010 at 7:54 pm
wondering if there is a forum for us mothers with sons expecting a child out of wed lock?
Comment Continued : The comment above was written from the same location.
Post Continued
Comment Profile ImageDawn
Comment #10 | Saturday, May 15, 2010 at 7:54 pm
I too am in this situation my son is 23 and his gf is 18 due Dec. 8th. Her parents dislike my son and refuse to have a sit down with my husband and I - the kids are in lala land thinking they can support the child on his $8 an hour job and her hostess job-- I'm a wreck
Comment Profile ImageNicole
Comment #11 | Sunday, May 16, 2010 at 11:13 pm
my 16 year old son gf mom came over to tell my husand & i her daughter is pregant. She is 29 weeks along. I am sick, sad, mad, & depressed. I don't know where to turn or what to do. my son never listens to me or his father. They want to keep the baby.WHY what can they offer the baby. I need HELP!
Comment Profile ImageGloria
Comment #12 | Saturday, Jun 5, 2010 at 8:03 am
My 15yo son was having unprotected sex with his girlfriend because she wanted a baby.I caught them in his room once,we talked about him not wearing a condom but he kept doing it.Then I came home and saw them doing it in the kitchen, unprotected! Now she is pregnant, his father isn"t in the picture to talk to.
Comment Profile ImageLC
Comment #13 | Tuesday, Sep 21, 2010 at 9:49 pm
My 16yr old son told me his 16yr old gf is 2 weeks pregnant. They met a few months ago in the Alternative Ed Program at his school and she is in foster care. Her foster mom locally grounded her after finding out they were sneaking at night to see each other. She ran away and hid in my house for a week. I found her and then they sent her to another foster family an hour away. Her biological mom lives 25 min away and she was visiting on the weekend. Against my better judgement I allowed him to see her at her moms and discussed if they were sexually active. I am sick to my stomach cause they are so not ready to have a child and they want to keep it. I am against abortion, but I feel this will be a tough situation for a child to be brought into. I am a single parent and I feel very alone and sad...
Comment Profile Imagebiological grandma
Comment #14 | Wednesday, Oct 20, 2010 at 1:01 pm
My son who is 16 got a 15 year old girl pregnant who is in foster care. Her Foster mom is trying to control everything including when we get to see the baby. My son is not in foster care what are my rights. I feel like I am walking on egg shells with the foster mom she is always threatening to go to court and get child support but we split all costs 50/50. She is constantly reminding me that the baby is an award of the court and she is his legal guardian becuase the babys mom is an award of the court. I have to have some rights my kids are not awards of the court. She wants me to pay for everything and still threatens me with child support. what are mine and my sons rights verses the moms and her foster parents rights.
Comment Profile ImageJulie
Comment #15 | Wednesday, Oct 20, 2010 at 9:47 pm
A really good family attorney who has even sued family court and won is Paul W. Leehey
Paul Leehey
Attorney at Law
210 E. Fig St., Suite 101
Fallbrook, CA 92028 US
Fallbrook
California (CA)
Practice Areas: Civil Rights/First Amendment (40%), Family Law (40%), Personal Injury Plaintiff: General (20%)
Civil Rights/First Amendment
Family Law
Personal Injury Plaintiff: General
Law School: University of San Diego School of Law
Comment Profile ImageSusan
Comment #16 | Thursday, Dec 9, 2010 at 12:46 pm
My son's 19 year old girlfriend is pregnant. Her parents are fine with the situation and we are not. We really dislike her and her family. She is posting photos of her pregnant belly on line and acts like this is the happiest time of her life. It's very hard on my family and I because we know their relationship won't last and adoption would be in the best interest of the child. I can't sleep or eat and am very depressed.
Comment Profile Image;)
Comment #17 | Thursday, Dec 9, 2010 at 7:07 pm
Susan,
After seeing a few friends go through this, if adoption is out of the question, I would work as hard as sI could to be as nice and helpful as you can in the interest of the baby and also your son so that you can have a relationship with your grandchild whether they stay together or not. Obviously she is in the driver's seat, but you are going to want to be part of that precious child's life and whatever you can do to make peace I think will be worth it. Also, if there are problems, you will be close enough to protect the child and try to do something about it.
Comment Profile ImageWarren
Comment #18 | Tuesday, Jan 25, 2011 at 11:55 am
My 17 year son got this girl pregnant that I did not approve of. He always told me that this girl was not his girlfriend. He even actually told me that he only went to this girl's house to smoke weed. I also found out that this girl's mother approved of the relationship and allowed the two to sleep together in her room.

I always provided my son with condoms and talked to him about being a dad too soon. He also stated to me that he wanted to be a kid.

When asked how he got the girl pregnant, he said he was drunk and high and it was her fault. He claimed this was the only time he had had sex with her.

I found out that she was pregnant 5 months later. The girl wanted me to know because she needed my son in her life. She loved my son and she knew I didn't like her.

My son continued to tell me that he did not want to be a dad. So I told him it was up to him what he wanted to do. I wasn't easy on him and I also made it clear that I still did not like the girl. I kept asking him why he chose that family.

Well it didn't work will all my protest. The lieing continued and he pretended that he was at a friends house when he really was at his pregnant girlfriends house. He continued to pretend to me that this was not his girlfriend and lied to me everytime he went out.

He was sneaking out to see her and the girls mother was helping them stay together.

I was already losing my son to this family because I was protesting and he felt that he had to continue to lie to me to see his girlfriend and take responsibility for his child.

One day the girlfriend and her mother called my phone. They told me that she was going into labor. I rushed my son to the hospital. It ended up being a false alarm. That night I took everyone out to dinner. We all had a good time. I saw how excited she was about the baby and how my son wanted to be a dad.

The next day I texted the girl's family and asked to be the grand father. They said yes with open arms and wanted me to be part of the baby's life.

The day of the birth I stayed all day and night with my son and his pregnant girlfriend. I did not see the baby delievered but I was just outside the door listening to the whole thing. My son came out of the room a couple of times and hugged me, and he almost fainted. He was crying when his beautiful daughter was born.

It didn't matter anymore how I felt. I knew for fact that I love my son and want him part of my life. I know that my dreams for him and my plans for him are gone. I just have to grieve those dreams in a healthy way and accept what I can not change.

Right now the baby is 1 week old today, She was born on 1/17/2011. My son stayed by the his baby's mom and daughter the whole time. I still took care of my boy by brining him food and clean clothes. I visited the new family and did not hover. My son is so strong because at 17 he is taking responsibility as a father. He goes to school, goes to his daughters house, comes home to our house at 10pm and stays with his daughter on the weekend.

I know that I was devestated, felt betrayed, lied to, dis respected, and even furios from all the secrets and not letting me know what was going on with the pregnancy. I should of been more supportive and understanding and not take things personal when he did not do what I wanted. It is his life and he loves his dad, and he even told me he wants his daughter to feel the same way he feels about me, "that I will always be there for him".

I miss my son when he is not home. I miss the life I had with him. I will miss my plans that I had for him. I still get depressed and sometimes still question him about what he is going to do with his life, but I remind myself that it's not about me. It never was.

I had to make a choice. To keep digging for all the lies and ask my son why he did this to me, or accept what I cannot change.

I don't know what is going to happen. I just have to remind myself everyday when I miss my son, that I did teach him one thing. To always be their for your child no matter what.

Hang in their parents! Your son needs you more than ever. I choose to be part of his life and guide him and create new memories for this new chapter in our life....
Comment Profile Image16yr old son
Comment #19 | Friday, Apr 29, 2011 at 11:33 am
okay i know all of you are mothers, but my GF is pregnant, not intentional it happened same most of yalls sons, BUT HOW DO I TELL MY MOTHER?! Like I HATE hiding things from people and I'm trying to tell her without hurting her but Idk how??!
Comment Profile Imagei slept with my korean teacher
Comment #20 | Tuesday, May 10, 2011 at 12:35 am
hi, well eveyone has too learn korean in my school, so we have a korean teacher for the korean class...so one day i went to this place and i saw my teacher there, is was drunk and he was going home so i helped him. he truck his shirt off and told me to come here... i slept with him, the next day he woke up and was freak out cuz he slept with a student, a week lather the ether students frond out because that morning i truck a picture of him wine he was sleeping and the ether students look at my phone and saw the picture



i'm 15 and he's 20
Comment Profile ImageDEVASTATED
Comment #21 | Friday, Feb 3, 2012 at 1:20 pm
I just found out my 16 yr old son got a one night stand pregnant and she is keeping the baby..I am a 39 yr old mother and have a 3 yr old...I dont want to be a grandmother!! I am devastated and so is my son..he is being forced into fatherhood after taking precautions (condoms) to prevent this kind of thing. She is 15 yrs old very immature, not from a good family ie: mother is a drug addict and her father is a drunk and she is the only one who wants this baby...I am utterly depressed borderline suicidal..This has destroyed my family and life and the baby isnt even here yet..My son wants nothing to do with this baby or the girl..He says he will not be a father to this mistake...Im just praying its not his....
Comment Profile ImageTayla
Comment #22 | Thursday, Mar 8, 2012 at 2:01 pm
My 17 year old girlfriend has just fallen pregnant with our baby ....I'm 18 and we have decided to keep our baby . We he been dating for two years and are very close and share an extremely strong bond and are looking at marriage .its going to be hard I know . But its a human life and we both know that and that for us takes precedence over irresponsible behavior . I want to marry this girl !and she asked me to marry her before our baby arrives....don't get me wrong I'm in no way fantasizing or sugar coat the harsh reality of having a child so young .. Any further suggestions or helpful advice would be greatly appreciated
Comment Profile ImageAngie
Comment #23 | Tuesday, Sep 25, 2012 at 2:04 pm
I just found out last week. My 16y/o son said Mom, we need to talk. Somehow in the pit of my stomach....I knew...what he was going to say. I cried, at the loss of his youth, at feeling like I have failed as a parent, worrying what the rest of the family will say....I have been so sad and angry I do not know what to do. I told him I will always love him and support him. That is my job as a mother, and somehow I know we will make it through this trying time. I know somewhere through this downpour there is a rainbow. His girlfriend just turned 16. They have a long hard road ahead of them.
Comment Profile Imagehappy
Comment #24 | Tuesday, Sep 25, 2012 at 4:47 pm
Angie,
Don't despair. Happier days are ahead for your family. He's so lucky to have a loving mother who looks at the long-term and makes the best of the situation!
Comment Profile ImageRmy
Comment #25 | Thursday, Jun 20, 2013 at 6:09 pm
I am trying to find some advise here I have a 16 year old stepdaughter who got pregnant by a 19 year old drug addict and whom had slept with her biological mother. His mother and him want them to get married. We have discovered he smokes pot uses method and was physically abusive to his last girlfriend. I am being told to back off and see if they can develop some sort of relationship. Help me please.

Article Comments are contributed by our readers, and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Valley News staff. The name listed as the author for comments cannot be verified; Comment authors are not guaranteed to be who they claim they are.

 

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